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Pet Loss and Grief
Understanding Your Feelings
How do I Know When It
Is Time?
Support Books
Support Hotlines and Websites
Understanding Your Feelings
When a beloved pet dies, many
people are surprised by the intensity of their grief. Given that so many people
consider their pets to be family members, intense grief is normal and
understandable. In fact, seventy-five percent of people who lose pets
experience difficulties and disruptions in their work and relationships. These
reactions are normal, healthy parts of the grief process, but can be difficult
to describe to others. This is especially true for people who do not have pets
in our life, and it may be difficult for them to understand your feelings of
loss. They may even make insensitive, albeit well-meaning comments like, “Thank
goodness it was just a dog.” However, it is perfectly normal to grieve over the
loss of a beloved pet. Your level of attachment and closeness to the loved
one is key. Whether it is a person or animal, it is the kind of
relationship you had with the loved one that will determine how intensely you
grieve.
Whenever a relationship with a
loved one changes, whether due to illness, death, or another kind of loss,
people experience feelings of grief. Grieving is a necessary, unavoidable, and
healthy response to the anticipation or actual experience of loss. Each person
experiences grief in a different way. Children grieve just as intensely as
adults do, but often have different ways of expressing their grief depending on
their developmental level. Grieving takes time. It is a process, not an
event. There is no specific time frame for this process; in fact, grief may
last for weeks, months, even years. Healthy grief, however, gradually lessens
in intensity over time. Although grief responses can differ from one person to
another, there are many predictable manifestations of grief. You may experience
physical symptoms such as crying, sleeplessness, appetite disturbances, or other
physical discomforts. You can also experience strong emotions such as sadness,
anger, anxiety, guilt, and fear. There may be intellectual manifestations such
as confusion, inability to concentrate, and even hallucinations (such as hearing
your pet in the middle of the night). Socially, you may want to withdraw from
others while grieving, or you may want to reach out to others for support.
There are even spiritual manifestations of grief, which could include anger, a
sense of feeling “punished”, or an increased or shaken faith in a higher power.
All of these responses are normal, predictable reactions to grief.
The best way to deal with these
grief responses is to be reassured that these reactions are normal and to let
these feelings run their natural course. Eventually, most people will begin to
feel recovery from the loss. Signs of recovery may include being able to focus
on happy memories of the pet rather than just the death, and being able to
identify some sort of personal growth as the result of the pet’s death.
Finally, recovery can lead to the happy addition of a new pet into your home and
your heart. These are times when we can handle these feelings with the support
of family and friends, and there are times when professional assistance may be
very helpful.
Adapted from: Argus Institute: Colorado State
University
All Rights Reserved or Used With Permission
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Pet Loss: How Do I Know
When It Is Time?
Perhaps the kindest thing you can
do for a pet that is so sick or so severely injured that he or she will never
recover normal health is to have your veterinarian induce its death quietly and
humanely through euthanasia. Your decision to have your pet euthanatized is a
serious one, seldom easy to make.
What Should I do?
Your relationship with your pet is
special, and you are responsible for its care and welfare. Eventually, many
owners are faced with making life or death decisions for their pets. Such a
decision may become necessary for the welfare of the animal and for your family.
A decision concerning euthanasia
may be one of the most difficult decisions you will ever make regarding your
pet. Your decision is a personal one, but it need not be a solitary one. Your
veterinarian here at St. Francis along with your family and friends can assist
and support you. Consider not only what is best for your pet, but also what is
best for you and your family. Quality of life is important for pets and people
alike.
How will I know when?
If your can no longer do with you
and your family the things he or she once enjoyed, if your pet cannot respond to
you in the usual ways, or if there is more pain than pleasure in his or her
life, you may need to consider euthanasia. Likewise, if your pet is terminally
ill or critically injured, or if the financial or emotional cost of treatment is
beyond your means, euthanasia may be a valid option.
The doctors here at St. Francis
understand attachment to pets, and can examine and evaluate your pet’s
condition, estimate your pet’s chance for recovery, and discuss potential
disabilities and long-term problems. They can explain the medical options and
possible outcomes. Because your veterinarian cannot make the euthanasia
decision for you, it is important that you fully understand your pet’s
condition. If there is any part of the diagnosis or the implications for your
pet’s future that you don’t understand, ask to have it explained again. Rarely
will the situation require an immediate decision. Usually, you will have time
to review the facts before making your decision.
As you make a decision, you may
wish to discuss the care of the remains of your pet’s body with your family and
veterinarian. You have several options, and your veterinarian can provide
information about burial, cremation, or other alternatives.
What if the animal is
healthy?
Euthanasia might be necessary if a
pet has become vicious, dangerous, or unmanageable. However, some undesirable
and abnormal behavior can be changed.
Economic, emotional, and space limitations or changes in
lifestyle also may force an owner to consider euthanasia of a pet, but it is
better to find another solution or an alternative home for these pets.
Euthanasia should be considered only when another alternative is not available.
How do I tell my
family?
Family members usually are already
aware of a pet’s problems. However, you should review with them the information
you have received from your veterinarian. Long-term medical care can be a
burden that you and your family may be unable to bear emotionally or
financially, and this should be discussed openly and honestly. Encourage family
members to express their thoughts and feelings. Even if you have reached a
decision, it is important that family members, especially children, have their
feelings considered.
Children have special relationships with their
pets. Excluding or protecting children from this decision-making process,
because they are thought to be too young to understand, may only complicate
their grieving. Children respect straightforward, truthful, and simple
answers. If they are prepared adequately, children usually are able to accept a
pet’s death.
Will it be painless?
Euthanasia is accomplished by an
intravenous injection of a very potent and concentrated anesthetic. Your
veterinarian may administer a tranquilizer first to relax your pet. Following
the injection, your pet will immediately go into a quiet and irreversible deep
unconsciousness. Death will come quickly and painlessly.
How can I say goodbye?
The act of saying goodbye is an
important step in managing the natural to feel you are losing a friend- for you
are.
Once the decision for euthanasia
has been made, you and other family members may want to say goodbye to your
pet. A last evening with your pet at home or a visit to the pet at the hospital
may be appropriate. Family members who want to be alone with the animal should
be allowed to do so. Farewells are always difficult.
How can I face the
loss?
After your pet has died, it is
natural and normal to feel grief and sorrow. The grieving process includes
accepting the reality of your loss, accepting that the loss and accompanying
feelings are painful, and adjusting to your new life that no longer includes
your pet.
There are many signs of grief, but
not everyone experiences them all, or in the same order. Even before death has
occurred, your reaction may be to deny your pet is sick or injured when you
learn the extent of your pet’s illness or injuries.
Anger may follow denial. This anger can be directed toward
people you normally love and respect, including your family and veterinarian.
People will often say things that they do not really mean, perhaps hurting those
whom they do not mean to hurt. You may blame yourself or others for not
recognizing the illness earlier or for being careless and allowing the pet to be
injured.
You may also feel guilt and
depression. This is when you usually feel the greatest sense of loss. The
tears flow, there are knots in your stomach, and you are drained of your
energy. Day-to-day tasks can seem impossible. Sometimes you may even ask
yourself if you can go on without your pet. The answer is yes, but there are
times when special assistance may be helpful.
Once you and your family come to
terms with your feelings, you can begin to resolve and accept your pet’s death.
When you have reached resolution and acceptance, the feelings of denial, anger,
guilt, and depression may reappear. If this does occur, the intensity of these
feelings will be much less, and with time, these feelings will be replaced with
fond memories.
Although the signs of grief apply
whether the loss is of a loving pet or a human loved one, grieving is a personal
process. Some people take longer than others to come to terms with denial,
anger, guilt, or depression. If you understand that these are normal reactions,
you will be better prepared to cope with your own feelings and to help others
face theirs. Family members should be reassured that sorrow and grief are
normal, natural responses to death.
They may not
understand
Often, well-meaning family and friends may not realize how
important your pet is to you or the intensity of your grief. Being honest with
yourself and others about how you feel is best. If despair mounts, talk to
someone who will listen about your pet and the illness.
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Support Books
-Pet Loss: A Thoughtful Guide for Adults and Children by
HA Nieburg and A Fischer
-Death, The Final Stage of Growth by E Kubler-Ross
-Joy in a Wooly Coat: Living With, Loving & Letting Go of
Treasured Animal Friends by JA Church
-Talking About Death: A Dialogue Between Parent and Child by EA Grollman
-When Your Pet Dies: How to Cope With Your Feelings by J
Quackenbusch and D Graveline
-Coping With Sorrow on the Loss of Your Pet by M Anderson
-Absent Friend by L Lee and M Lee
-Goodbye My Friend by M Montgomery and H Montgomery
Especially for Children
Understanding Grief in Children
-Charlotte’s Web by EB White
-The Tenth Good Thing about Barney by J Viorst
-Mr. Rogers’ First Experience: When a Pet Dies by F
Rogers
-I’ll Always Love You by H Wilhelm
-Children and Pet Loss: A Guide for Helping by M Tousley
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Support Hotlines and
Websites
APLB The Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement
P.O. Box 106, Brooklyn, N. Y. 11230
718-382-0690
http://www.aplb.org
National clearing house for information on pet bereavement chat rooms for pet
loss support, memorials, and state by state listings of pet loss counselors
PetFriends Pet Grief Hotline, Morristown, N.J.
1-800-404-7387 (toll-free)
Staffed by trained volunteers; 24 hour voicemail; all calls returned within 24
hours. Long distance calls returned collect
C.A.R.E Helpline for Companion Animal Related Emotions
University of Illinois, Urbana-Champagne: 1-877-394-2273 (toll free)
staffed Tuesday, Thursday, or Sunday 7pm to 9pm Central time. Staffed by
veterinary student volunteers; can leave message anytime
Petsupport.net
Care 4 Pets
Pet Hospice
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